Warning...TMI

I don't normally blog about this kind of thing because I consider it  personal and somewhat of a hot button topic, but because it has been pretty much consuming my life for nearly 10 months, I feel it deserves a post.

I had always planned on breastfeeding exclusively for a year, assuming that all stars would be aligned and I would be able to do so. Being a nurse practitioner, I already knew a fair amount about breastfeeding, but I still read pretty much anything I could get my hands on while I was pregnant because I wanted to be ready should any problems arise. I think the biggest mistake for pregnant women who plan to breastfeed is to assume that it will be easy and come naturally.

I had my heart so set on breastfeeding that I just knew that I wouldn't produce any milk or that the baby wouldn't be able to latch on or any other number of problems would occur. But from day one, we had absolutely no problems, thank goodness.

But over the last month or so, my supply has been steadily decreasing, which I'm sure happens to some women as babies start to eat more solids and space their feedings out. So I started taking an herb called fenugreek. Now let me just say that I am all about modern science and medicine approved by the FDA, and generally steer clear of more "natural remedies" {and I am not saying there is anything wrong with those, but that's just how I am}. But I was willing to branch out if it would help my milk supply, even if it meant smelling like maple syrup {a reported side effect}. But I haven't noticed one bit of difference since starting the fenugreek, and I don't smell like maple syrup btw, even though I am taking the max dose.

But unfortunately the time has come for me to start supplementing. I'm sure this post has some of you rolling your eyes, especially those of you who don't feel as strongly as I do about breastfeeding, and it's probably something at which I would have rolled my eyes once upon a time. But I said a lot of things before I was a mother and now eat my words on a daily basis. :)

I sent Curran to school today with formula for the first time and warned the teachers about the change and told them to call me if there was a problem. Our pediatrician actually recommended just giving her the formula straight instead of mixing it with breast milk, so that way if she didn't like it, I wouldn't have wasted any milk. Last night when I was making her bottles, I kind of felt bad for just throwing the change on her all of a sudden instead of easing her into it gradually, but I literally waited until the last minute and have pretty much used up my whole supply.

When I picked Curran up this afternoon, I asked how she did and her teacher made a face that I didn't quite understand. So I said, "Oh she didn't even bat an eye at it?" And her teacher said, "Um, no. She did not like it. It took a while but she eventually drank it. " I simultaneously felt bad that she had a bit of a hard time, but was also a teeny bit happy that she didn't just think it was no big deal. :) But really I'm glad she finally drank it because we'd be SOL otherwise!

I know supplementing is not the end of the world. I think for me it is more of a pride thing. I said I was going to breastfeed exclusively for a year so by golly I want to do it! Obviously I am not choosing this route so much as it is necessary, but it's still not an easy transition for me, and I have definitely been sad over this change.

When we went to Curran's 9 month appt, the doctor said I was not allowed to cry about it {because of course I teared up during the appt} except to be sad over missing the closeness that comes with nursing. She said I was not allowed to feel guilty, and that I have done great to make it this far. Of course I am sad and do feel guilty anyway, but I appreciate her trying to make me feel better.

It's just that this has consumed my life...always thinking about what I'm eating or drinking, taking time out of work to pump several times a day, trying to plan errands around feeding schedules, taking the pump on numerous trips, staying up late to pump, planning, planning, planning...it's never-ending.

When I started this post several weeks ago, I had planned on nursing as much as possible and only supplementing when needed. Weeelll, it hasn't exactly gone according to plan. As of right now I am pretty much only nursing in the morning, and giving C a bottle the rest of the day. If you had asked me weeks ago about weaning C {not that you would have, because I realize no one cares about this besides me :) }, I would have said that it was going to be all but impossible. Well C has surprised me and basically weaned herself. I have to be honest and say that I have been quite sad about it! I realize that it's just a part of her growing up, but I was not ready for it to happen so soon. I'm still planning on nursing her every morning and giving her breast milk before bed until she is a year or for as long as I can and giving formula during the day.

I have to admit, even though I will continue to pump as long as I can, I will NOT be sad to say goodbye to that thang! And I'm sure my coworkers will be glad not to hear "I'm going to pump..." every couple of hours!

{after re-reading this thing several times, I feel like some parts of this post may come across as selfish. of course it goes without saying that every decision I have made in the last 9.5+ months have been in what I have felt was the best interest of my daughter. no matter my emotions, she comes first. duh. don't know why I felt the need to say that.}