Tomorrow

My sweet girl,

Tomorrow is my first day back at work since you were born. I have been living in denial these last few days, hoping that if I didn't think about it too much then maybe the day would never come. But it is here, and I am so sad.

Before you were born, I had tricked myself into thinking that leaving you at daycare would be easier than it was with Curran, simply because I had done it before. Oh how wrong I was. This feels a million times harder. Probably because those memories aren't as fresh {I know I had a terrible time leaving Curran and remember telling Cricky that leaving my baby in the care of someone else went against all my mothering instincts}, but also because you are such an easy baby, and these past 12 weeks have been the best of my life. I have thoroughly enjoyed our days together, and I always hated to see a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday come to an end. Those were the days Curran was at school, so you and I got to really bond and have precious and much needed one on one time. And I am so thankful.

The days Curran was home with us were wonderful too, although a lot were hard as I felt pulled between my girls who both needed me. But she loves you so very much, and it was wonderful to watch her interact with you: always wanting to hold your hand, hug and kiss you, have me sit down in a chair with you so she can look at you. She takes her role as big sister very seriously, and she loves you fiercely.

I'm thankful you will be at school together. Last week I told her that you would be going to school with her on Tuesday and that she needed to take care of you. When the words left my mouth, it felt like my heart was breaking at the thought of no longer being with you every day and I started to cry. Curran didn't quite understand my reaction, but she is very excited that you will be at her school and will be "a big girl like me." :)

I know you will be in good hands. I really like your teacher, and I know she will send me pictures and texts throughout the day, so I'm looking forward to that. I also know that you will be just fine and won't even know I'm gone {at least not for a while anyway}. I just have the normal mama worries of will you get enough attention, will you sleep ok in your crib, will you take your bottle well? You hardly ever cry at home, so it breaks my heart thinking about you crying at school because there aren't enough hands to go around. {I would love to say that won't happen, but I know it probably will.}

There is just so much I'm going to miss: cuddling with you in my bed in the mornings, rocking you to sleep on the porch swing, running errands with you around town, and just having so much alone time with you. But I do realize if I didn't work, we wouldn't have had those 3 days with just you and me. I am just trying to be grateful that we do have 4 other days of the week to be together, and I know that is a huge blessing.

I love you so much and am so thankful that God chose me to be your Mama.