Sad Days Ahead

So yesterday Curran turned 12 weeks old, and Monday marks my first day back at work. I have been severely depressed this week and tear up almost every time I think about it. Yesterday I was at the doctor for my annual checkup, and she was asking how things were going, and before I had one complete sentence out of my mouth I started crying. Embarrassing. But she was very sweet and spent a lot of time talking with me about her struggles as a working mother, and she did end up making me feel better. More embarrassing was when I teared up today during orientation at Curran's nursery school. One of the teachers asked how we were feeling and asked if we were ready to drop the babies off. Most people kind of mumbled, but I said no, I guess rather loudly, so she looked at me and asked why. I said, "Because it's sad..." and proceeded to let the tears flow. Yes, I was that girl. One of the other moms answered that yes she was ready and felt good about the situation. Rub it in why don't you. She was also the same girl that said her 8 week old baby ate at 8:00am and would that be a problem because he ate strictly at 8, 12, and 4 (and while she was saying this she was banging one hand on the other--you know, to emphasize the fact that this is a rigid schedule). I don't think I was the only mom who had her mouth hanging open with that one. My friend (who was sitting next to me) and I looked at each other like "Who the hell already has an 8 week old on that kind of a schedule." The routine in my house is that we don't have one. And my 12 week still eats as often as every 2 hrs if she's awake. (Note-- no offense to anyone who has a young baby on a strict schedule. I wish I could swing something like that.) Anyway, overall I feel very good about the program, and the teachers seem great and have all been in childcare for 30+ years. They are all middle-aged or slightly older African-American ladies who seem very warm and motherly. Again not to offend, but John liked that fact.

I know I am very lucky to have been able to take off 12 weeks, and I am hoping to be switching to part time in about a month. So I KNOW that I am lucky compared to some others, but it doesn't make leaving my baby with someone else any easier. I think growing up with a mother who stayed home made me think that I would be able to do the same one day. And hopefully some day I will. That's not to take away from mothers who work, because my mother-in-law has always worked, loves her job, and would probably go nuts without it. And she managed to raise 3 great sons and was always very present in their lives. Granted, she teaches college so her schedule is a little more flexible, but still. She, like a lot of women out there, probably wouldn't have wanted to stay home. But I will be honest. I am not a career woman. I work to pay the bills, not because I love it. I would love to be able to stay home with my baby. Although I will admit, during those first couple of weeks home with her, things were so tough that I thought "I could never do this full time." But I think only working part time will be perfect. I will really cherish those two days I get to spend at home and will probably be a little more sane by getting out of the house some. I think staying home with a baby wears me out more than work ever has, even when I was working as a floor nurse!

Anyway, enough of my babbling on. I need to find some cute pictures to post.